


bros with hos

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cosplay, F/M, Friendship, Kink Meme, Post-Sburb, Xenobiology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-17
Updated: 2011-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:24:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/279182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trolls have sex when the Imperial Drone comes. They only have sex when the Imperial Drone comes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bros with hos

Bros are supposed to help their bros out with their lovelife. That’s part of being a bro. You act as a wingman: you hit on the ugly friend, you buy them drinks when their girlfriends dump them, you dress up in an ugly rented tux for their wedding, that sort of stuff. But there are things that just go too far, and leave it up Egbert to find that border and rocket pass it.

TG: you want me to have a cosplay threesome with your freaky alien girlfriend  
EB: it wouldn’t be cosplay!  
EB: i’m not asking you to dress up like sailor moon or faye valentine or some anime, you’ll just be dressed like a troll robot.  
TG: thats a shame cause i have this really cute schoolgirl uniform and a bigass foam sword  
EB: and it’s not a threesome, you’d just be watching us  
TG: that still sounds like some kinky sex shit  
TG: do you have a robot fetish bro?  
EB: no, i don’t, but vriska has one.  
TG: so along with the eight eyes and the mind control and the boyfriend murder shes also into robots  
TG: good job choosing the freakiest troll of the twelve  
EB: it’s not just her!  
EB: all trolls need to have an imperial drone next to them to have sex  
TG: so equius is perfectly normal  
TG: he just decided to bypass the middleman and go straight for the robot  
EB: after centuries of having a big scary robot force them to have sex, they evolved into needing its presence to do the deed.  
EB: it’s just xenobiology, and i can’t do anything about it.  
EB: me and vriska haven’t had sex yet, and we’ve been dating for five years!  
TG: sad story bro  
TG: but im not gonna have a cosplay threesome  
TG: find someone else  
EB: but there’s no one else i can turn to! you’re my best friend.  
EB: i’d do the same if you had ended up in this situation.  
EB: like, if you had gotten one of the trolls.  
TG: friend you dont bring up terezi choosing an angry midget over me  
TG: and i wont bring up you asking lalonde out when she was in the middle of makeouts with a girl  
EB: she wasnt kissing kanaya at the time, they were just holding hands.  
EB: but see, i can’t turn to rose or jade.  
TG: what about equius? he could make you a robot  
EB: hell no!  
EB: would you go to him for anything sex related?  
TG: tru dat  
TG: still i cant see why you cant have sex  
TG: just tell her to lie back and think of earth v.2  
EB: that wouldn’t be fair to her.  
EB: i want her to be happy too!  
EB: plus, she needs to be activated.  
TG: activated?  
TG: is she a robot too?  
EB: it’s hard to explain.  
EB: xenobiology.  
TG: xenobiology seems to be the go-to word here  
TG: why did you have to chose an alien?  
TG: after we went through all the trouble of making a planet full of sexy humans your genitals gravitated to an incompatible alien  
EB: but we are compatible, we’re just having a little sex problems.  
TG: this is more than a little sex problem  
EB: see? you have to help us out.  
EB: i’ll owe you, bro.  
TG: how much?  
EB: if you ever need money, i’ll give it to you, no questions asked.  
TG: only if you get it in the most demeaning way possible  
TG: performing in the sickest porn imaginable  
EB: okay, i’ll get it working with your bro  
EB: i would do anything for you, you know it.  
TG: oh all right youve guilt me into it  
TG: ill be a cooler dr drew and help out your sex problems  
TG: you dont even have to bribe me  
EB: are you sure i can deal with it?  
TG: i can keep my cool  
TG: just as long as you dont surprise me with buttsex  
EB: i won’t.  
EB: unless you want me to B)  
TG: no no and dont use that goofy emoticon  
EB: just joking!  
EB: i am not a homosexual.  
TG: you keep saying that and i keep not believing you  
TG: now how is this thing going to work?

The plan was I’d go to Egbert and Vriska’s place next Saturday at seven. I wouldn’t have to make my own costume. I was a little disappointed I didn’t get the chance to walk down suburbia in a mecha. That would have been cool. Or not really, cause people would say “hyuk, ain’t it early for Halloween?”, so fuck it. I would be suited up there with a costume Egbert made. Yeah, it was pretty creepy that he had one ready. He wouldn’t tell me where he got my measurements. Pranksters gambit, he said.  
When I arrived after Egbert and Vriska’s lovenest, he greeted me with a big hug.  
“Whoa whoa whoa,” I said, “Don’t let this go any farther.”  
“It’s just a little bro-hug!” Egbert pulled back. “I’m so glad you actually came!”  
“You mean I could have just ditched you? Damn, I should have done that.”  
“You wouldn’t have left me hanging.”  
“Yep, I’m just too honest for my own good.”  
Vriska came down the stairs. Thankfully, she was not wearing anything “sexy”. She just had on her normal t-shirt, jeans, and jacket. It made sense. Even after all this time on Earth, the most of the trolls still weren’t used to wearing anything but boring black and grey clothes. Kanaya was the exception. That and Eridan, who was a five time winner of the Annual Ugliest Fop Contest. I hoped Vriska wouldn’t change into anything else.  
She smiled and pumped her fist like she had just beaten a game.  
“Daaaaaaaave!” she called out, “Finally decided to help out your best friend?”  
I replied, “And I’m only here for him. You are not the touch my chassis.”  
She sniffed. “I wouldn’t want to.”  
She strolled over to Egbert and kissed him. She whispered something to him and he laughed. She then walked away and when she got to the stairs, she turned her head, flipping her long hair, and winked her spider eye.  
“I’ll be waaaaaaaaiting for you, lover boy,” she said, with that weird emphasis she sometimes puts on the later B.  
She walked up the stairs. Egbert stopped drooling at Vriska’s tiny flat ass and turned to me.  
“Let’s go upstairs to the bathroom and get you ready,” he said, gesturing to the stairs.  
I replied, “Just like that? No time for me to take it easy? Get a beer? Get several beers?”  
He laughed. “Silly, we’re too young to drink!” God, he’s such a nerd.  
He moved in and whispered in my ear.  
“Besides, Vriska is a little...impatient.”  
“I get it. You’re afraid she’ll throw you off a cliff.”  
Egbert frowned. “Stop bringing that up! She’s apologized for that.”  
“Fine, she’s been on her best behavior since the game ended.”  
I ambled on up the steps.  
“Let’s get going before she uses her mind juju on us,” I mumbled.  
Egbert blew past me to the top of the steps. When I got there, he showed me to his nice big bathroom (it was pretty awesome getting the power to create any house we wanted). There was a stool in the middle of the room. Egbert stood with his back to the door like he was afraid I’d make a run for it.  
“Take off your clothes,” he said.  
“What the fuck? No. Deal’s over.”  
“It’s not like that! It’s just, you can’t put the costume on over your shirt and jeans and shoes. You’ll need to be down to your underwear.”  
I sighed. “Fine, but I’m not stripping anything else.”  
“I won’t look at you undress. I promise.”  
I wondered what the point of doing that was, since he’d still see me in my skeevies anyway. Guess it would have been unnerving having him stare at me like some Peeping Tom. I stripped down to my boxers and undershirt. Egbert kept his promise, and when I was half-naked, he didn’t stare at my awesome bod. He motioned for me to sit down on the stool and I did. He went to the closet and pulled out a pair of grey tights and threw them in my direction.  
“Are we putting on a production of Pupa Pan?” I asked.  
Egbert frowned at the reference to Tavros.  
“Just put them on,” he said.  
I stood up and put them on. It was hard to pull them over my boxers, but I managed, even though it left a bulge. Then he made me put on a grey turtleneck.  
Egbert went to the closet again and pushed out what looked like a melted pile of recyclables.  
“I see you got an A in Shop,” I remarked.  
He smiled proudly. Using his mangrit, picked up a huge metal breastplate with frightening shoulder spikes. I raised my arms and put it over my head and fastened it to my chest. Since it was made of aluminum, it wasn’t as heavy as it looked, but he still thoughtfully provided shoulder pads. Over my crotch he strapped on an intimidating codpiece that made me look super-endowed. Maybe that’s why Imperial Drones turned on trolls. He put a long spiked elbow length gloves on both my arms. Then came the last piece: full face helmet with a crown of grey metal horns and two glowing red eyes. He was about to put it on but stopped.  
“You need to take off your glasses,” he said.  
“You said I wouldn’t have to take off any more clothes.”  
“Glasses aren’t clothes!” He sighed. “You can’t them under the helmet. Besides, the helmet will cover your eyes.”  
I grumbled under my breath but took them off and put on the helmet. It was stifling but light. My vision was a bit blocked but I could still see everything in a red tint. I looked in the mirror, and found myself a little disappointed at how short I looked (but only a little). Egbert was thinking the same thing, so he brought out a pair of platform boots that would be too much even for Studio 59. I sat down and he put the ski-boot-like shoes on me. I stood up uneasily, with one hand on his shoulder.  
“What do you think of my costume?” he asked, bursting with pride.  
I answered, my voice muffled by the helmet, “I look like I’m ready to join a glam metal band.”  
“I’m thinking of going to Hollywood and getting into special effects!”  
“Maybe you can finally get your dream date with Nic Cage.”  
Egbert laughed.  
He added, “Just one more thing.”  
He pressed a button on the helmet.  
“Try talking,” he said.  
I did, and I found my voice sounded deep and robotic.  
“I installed a voice modulator,” he explained, “Hey, Dave, say ‘Luke, I am your father’.”  
I turned it off.  
“I’m not pretended to be an lame-ass Star Wars character. I’m cosplaying as a Cylon.”  
“Then say something Cylon-ish!”  
“I don’t know, I’ve never watched Battlestar Galactica.”  
I turned to the door.  
“Let’s go.”  
He took my hand and lead me out. I stopped holding his hand once we left the bathroom and moved on my own. I quickly got the hang of it. Ain’t no thang for a ninja like me. We stopped at his door (it had a little green ghost on it, god). He took out two pail, one with a red heart, the other with a black spade. I wondered how trolls were supposed to carry water if they couldn’t use pails. Maybe they used condoms?  
Egbert told me, “Just wait here a few seconds, then knock on the door. When I open it, you say,” and then his voice went deep, “THE EMPIRE DEMANDS YOUR GENETIC MATERIAL.”  
“And what do I do next?” I asked.  
“Umm, just stand there? Until we’re done?”  
“Should I do any improv? Give you some helpful hints? Cheer you on?”  
“No! Please don’t. I’d kind of prefer it if you’d just ignore us.”  
“So, how should I play this scene? What’s my motivation?”  
“Err, helping me out?”  
“Good enough for me.”  
Egbert opened the door a little and snuck it. I sang “Technologie” in my head to get me in the mood, and when I was done, I knocked on the door. There was a little delay.  
I turned on the voice modulator. “OPEN UP, EMPIRE CALLING.”  
Egbert opened the door and put his hands to his face like he was surprised.  
“Oh no, an Imperial Drone!”  
He stepped backwards in mock shock. I picked up the pails and marched in. Thankfully, the couple was dressed.  
“THE EMPIRE THIRSTS FOR ALIEN CUM.”  
He looked a little annoyed at this improv, but he didn’t say anything about it.  
“Tonight must be the night of the Great Spawning,” he said, and looked over at Vriska. “Good thing my girlfriend’s here.”  
Vriska leapt up from the pile of pillows she’d be sitting on like it was her cue. She stared at me with wide eyes and blushing face. She was practically drooling. I was afraid she was going to start humping me. But instead, she threw her arms around her boyfriend.  
She loudly whispered, “Guess we need to make some genetic materiaaaaaaaal.”  
They started to make out like mad. Smooshing. Swapping spit. Snogging. Heavy petting. Rounding first base. Playing post office. Catching mono. This was some serious PDA.  
I jangled my buckets. Egbert brought up his blue lipstick smeared face. He pulled himself away from Vriska and grabbed the red heart bucket from me. Him and Vriska sat down on the floor making googly eyes at each other (her’s more googly than his). They placed the bucket next to them and started up where they stopped. They took off their glasses and she took off her jacket. I looked away for a bit and sang some more Daft Punk songs in my head. I heard clothes shuffling and I looked back to see they had finally gone to second base. I was afraid I would have to be their first base coach. That dork tried several times to unhook Vriska’s bra before she just did it herself. He pawed what she passed off as breasts while she moaned. I noticed Egbert looked pretty chubby. Too many cakes and Gushers for him. They stood up a bit and took off their pants. He was also looking pretty chubby in his tighty-whiteys. (he still wore tightey-whiteys?) Vriska pulled down his underwear, and yes, I did look at my best friend’s junk. Damn, that guy was bigger than me. Only a little bit, though, and his gut probably lost him a half-inch. Vriska was delighted, though I hope that wasn’t the first time she’d been introduced to John Jr. She gave him a hand job, and I started wondering if trolls did blow jobs. I was too young when I met Terezi and her oral fixation to give it much thought, not that I hadn’t heard of oral sex, mind you. Looking at Vriska’s fangs, I decided not. I don’t even know how they kiss.  
She leaned back, took off her boy shorts, and spread open her actually pretty nice legs. I scanned her Area 51. I was shocked to find it wasn’t shocking at all. It looked like a human vagina. There was no hair on it, not even stubble, and I couldn’t see her clit but it’s not like you can see that from space. Other than that, it just looked like someone ordered a gray model woman part. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, I thought. But I spoke too soon. Something slowly poked out of that hole. I stared as a bluish grey tentacle snaked out of its hidey hole. Soon twelve inches of prehensile alien wing-wong was reaching out in search of a man. And the worse part, the worse part was, she looking at me the entire time.  
I would have screamed and run out the door, but I was too cool for that. I’d seen tentacle porn before. Hell, I’d seen the movie “2 Girls, 1 Cup” is from. I could face this challenge.  
Egbert sure wasn’t freaking out. I guess she had told him what would happen when she was “activated”. Or maybe he was too blind and horny to care. He leaned over her and they kissed. She stopped eye-fucking me and turned her attention to him. They sat up on their knees, shared a long kiss, and then they did it.  
Have you ever seen tree slugs have sex? It was like that. Vriska wrapped her tentacle around Egbert’s stiffy and gave him a tentacle job. I cannot tell you how fucking relived I was she didn’t anal probe him. He didn’t have to squeal like a pig for her. I watched like it was the Discovery Channel and this was a special on the mysteries of troll sex. I had wondered what the hell Karkat was always screaming about. Apparently a nook was that vagina-looking orifice and the bone bulge was the tentacle. I still have no idea what shame globes or fronds are, he probably just made it up. Trolls have sex by tangling their tentacles. With this stunning revelation, I was glad me and Terezi didn’t work out. I could never get down with a girl who’s got a bigger dick than me. Plus, she’s freaky enough she’d try to steal my anal cherry. That’s probably what she does with Karkat. He is so tentacle-whipped.  
I turned away from this fascinating scene to study Egbert’s many posters. But it was hard to focus on his bad taste when he and his girlfriend were making a racket. She was moaning throatily like the price of cigarettes had gone up and her dorky boyfriend yipping like a lapdog. I should have recorded it and sampled it with Lemon Demon’s Geeks in Love.  
I have to hand it to Egbert, as fat and clumsy and embarrassingly girly as he is, he’s got stamina. I know time, I can time things down to the second without glancing at a watch, and he took 31 minutes and 4 seconds. I think I started running out of songs in my mental playlist. I had to make up new ones.  
My timing was perfect. I managed to catch that money shot. Like Olympic synchronized sexers, they both came at the same time with one atonal cry. Her big gulp of blue raspberry juice dripped down with her human boyfriend’s smaller but still impressive load. The couple uncoupled and flopped back on the pillows. Vriska spread her legs open and like a pre-op going on a date, her dick went into its hiding place.  
“Oh Jooooooohn,” she breathed, “That was gr-EAT!”  
He giggled.  
“No problem!” What the hell sort of thing is that to say after sex?  
They both sighed. I let them enjoy their afterglow for 10 whole seconds before I butted in.  
“HEY, GUYS, YOU NEED TO TURN IN YOUR BUCKETS NOW, I DON’T HAVE ALL NIGHT.”  
Egbert jumped up, picked up the bucket, and ran to me with his now-tiny dick flopping about. He handed the bucket to me but I didn’t take that grody thing, I’m not a janitor. He put it down and ran over to his girlfriend, who was now wearing a bra, for cuddles.  
I turned off the voice modulator. “Seriously, guys, I need to get out of this chicken-shit outfit.”  
Egbert groaned and left his girlfriend’s side. He unbuckled all the buckles until I was left in an undershirt and lumpy tights.  
I said, “Now put on some underwear, nobody wants to see that.” Vriska laughed. “And you, stop checking me out. I won’t let you break my best bro’s heart.” She gave me a withering look.  
Egbert whispered to me, “Why don’t you go downstairs and play some video games? We’d like some alone time.”  
“Sure, I haven’t play Crash Bandicoot in ages.”  
I left the two lovebirds, got dressed in normal clothes, and went to enjoy Egbert’s home entertainment system. Forty-four minutes of afterglow later, Egbert came down wearing only pants and sat down next to me as I watched TV.  
“Hey,” he said. “Hey,” he repeated.  
“What.”  
“Are you doing anything next Saturday?”  
“Maybe, maybe not, why?”  
“Err, well, I was thinking, if you aren’t busy, you could come over again, and we could, you know...”  
I turned to him.  
“Are you inviting me to another cosplay threesome?”  
“You can’t expect me to have sex just once in my life!”  
“You could always have sex with someone who ain’t a frigid alien.”  
He got big puppy dog eyes. “But I love Vriska! I don’t want another girl!” He bit his lips. “Plus, it felt good. Really good. I can’t even tell you how good it felt.”  
“I’m not a virgin, I can imagine what the sex was liked.” I sighed. “I still think there must be a better solution.”  
“We’ll find one, we’ll get Equius to build us a robot, but for now, please?”  
“You promise you’ll put in an order with Zahhak Robotics right away?”  
“Yes! Now will you do it?”  
“Fine, I’ll save the date. Next Saturday, another close encounter of the sexy kind.”  
Egbert looked down sheepishly.  
“Actually, bro, could you suit up right now?”


End file.
